


The Stark Who Stole Captain America

by tarradiddle



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Christmas, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Humor, M/M, Parody, Poetry, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-22
Updated: 2012-12-22
Packaged: 2017-11-21 23:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/603341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarradiddle/pseuds/tarradiddle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Holiday Parody in RHYMING COUPLETS. Read at your own discretion.</p>
<p>Then he got an idea. An awful idea.<br/>Tony Stark got a wonderful, awful idea...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Stark Who Stole Captain America

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I wasn’t going to finish this! I’ve been working on it off and on for weeks, but work and life have been really busy. But it’s done! And I’m not sorry! Whoo!

Every Agent at SHIELD liked Steve Rogers a lot  
But Stark, who lived up in the Tower, did not!  
  
Stark hassled Rogers, with snark and with yelling,  
But no one knew why, because Stark wasn’t telling  
  
It could be that his fancy suit was too tight  
Or old daddy-issues now seeing the light  
  
Widow said that the most likely reason of all  
Was the cold arc reactor: two sizes too small.  
  
Whether one of those reasons or some other peeve,  
Stark sulked on his balcony, angry at Steve.  
  
Staring out at the night, he could feel his scowl grow  
Each time laughter rose from the party below.  
  
He knew every agent was here for the bash  
Having hors d'oeuvres and beer that were bought with Stark’s cash.  
  
“And that would be fine, Hell, I’d hand them the plate,  
If the theme of the party weren’t ‘Steve is sooooo great.’”  
  
And he growled at the dark, and he said with a frown,  
“I must find some way to just shut this thing down!  
  
For I know, I just know, that down there in the crush  
They’re having a contest by making Steve blush  
  
It’s sad, how they gush. They all gush, gush, gush, gush!  
‘Captain, you’re the best,’ gush, gush gush GUSH gush, GUSH!  
  
And they’ll say, ‘Thanks, Steve, for leading the team!  
It’s all up to you.’ What the hell does that mean?  
And they’ll say that he’s great and they’ll bring him a beer  
And they’ll say ‘We were nothing before you were here.  
You’re perfect, you’re wondrous, you never do wrong,  
You’re rainbows and puppies, a hero of song!  
It’s not like there’s anyone else on the field,  
It’s Steve keeps us safe with his fabulous shield!’  
And sure, Steve’s okay, and he’s big and he’s strong,  
But some people were fighting ‘fore he came along!  
  
And each lady agent, each in her best skirt,  
Flock all around Steve, and they flirt, flirt, flirt FLIRT.  
  
And they bat their eyelashes and pout their red lips  
Each assuming he’ll melt for the swing in her hips.  
  
Then, just when you hope that the guy’d grow a spine,  
Since Steve’s such a phony, he pretends it’s all fine.  
  
He gets all ‘aw shucks’, like it really were true,  
Like he never gets angry or just wants to screw.  
  
They fawn over him, they just fawn, fawn, Fawn, FAWN”  
Tony thought of Steve blushing at each mild come-on,  
and he said “I must stop this, it’s brains over brawn!  
  
Why, for far, far too long I’ve put up with it now!  
I must somehow stop this from happening. But how?”  
  
Then he got an idea. An awful idea.  
Tony Stark got a wonderful, awful idea.  
  
“I know just what to do!” Tony fixed up his hair.  
“I need a quick drink, then I’m heading downstairs.”  
  
And he chuckled and smirked, “So much for the ideal,  
Even ‘pure’ Steve Rogers won’t resist my appeal.”  
  
\---  
  
“All I need is a wingman.” He looked all around,  
But with Rhodey off-site, there were none to be found.  
  
Could that stop a Stark? Hah! Tony simply said:  
“If I can’t find a wingman, I’ll trick one, instead.”  
  
So he went down to the labs, where Bruce hid from the noise,  
Told him Steve needed rescue from Fury’s eager boys.  
  
So Bruce came back up to the party for Steve,  
Told the hangers-on science-y things so they’d leave.  
  
Steve didn’t seem to notice, he only said “Hey,  
Not a bad party, Stark, quite an array.”  
  
Many women still hovered, hoping for their crack,  
But Tony was set now, wouldn’t let them come back,  
As he freshened his drink, and began his attack.  
  
“So how are you doing?” Stark asked with a smile.  
(Bruce took himself back to the labs for a while.)  
  
“Oh I’m just swell, everyone is so nice.”  
Tony hid his sneer in his drink with some ice.  
  
“Well, that’s good to hear. Is this music too loud?  
Would you like to go chat, out away from the crowd?”  
  
So Tony led Steve to a quieter niche  
With a hand on his shoulder, but Steve didn’t twitch  
  
Tony talked of a gizmo he’d built for the team,  
Acted friendly and open (all part of his scheme.)  
  
He leaned in when Steve talked, and smiled when he smiled  
Added flirt to his glances, just a bit at first, mild.  
  
Although talking to Steve without trying to win  
Actually wasn’t half bad. Where had this Steve been?  
  
Tony got in quite close, breathed a joke in Steve’s ear  
Searched his face for reaction, tamping down sudden fear.  
  
Steve didn’t pull back and his eyes were quite bright  
And when Tony leaned away, Steve gripped his arm, tight!  
  
So he flicked a glance toward the door. Steve widened his eyes.  
Then he gave a slight nod, and led back through the spies.  
  
Almost through the crowd, almost at the door,  
When an “A-hem” reached over the party’s dull roar.  
  
Tony growled to himself, but he gave up the chase,  
Seeing Hill stepping toward them, intent on her face.  
  
“Leaving the party without saying goodbye?  
Where are you taking poor Steve, Stark, and why?”  
  
But you know, Tony Stark is quite smart and quite slick,  
So he thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick.  
  
“Oh, it’ll just be for a minute or two  
I made Steve a promise it’s time to see through.  
  
I’m taking him down to my workshop, to learn  
What I’m working on now, then I’ll let him return.”  
  
And his fib fooled the agent, or at least bought them time,  
They got into the lift and it started to climb.  
  
They spoke not a word til they reached the top floor,  
“Well, this is the penthouse, have you been here before?”  
  
“Of course I have, Tony, it’s got a great view.”  
Tony looked at Steve, bid his scheming adieu,  
Just reached out his hand, and said, “Steve, I want you.”  
  
Steve blinked, and he swallowed, then murmured, “Okay.”  
So Tony just kissed him, nothing more to say.  
  
One kiss turned to more and they stumbled toward bed,  
Shedding fears, finding bliss in each other, instead.  
  
{Music}  
  
It was quarter of dawn, and the party’d died down  
The Tower was hushed, Tony woke with a frown.  
  
Rolled up off the bed, in the dim morning light,  
And looked back at the proof of their very nice night.  
  
He grabbed for his phone and he framed up the shot,  
Of Steve tangled in sheets, still sticky and hot.  
  
“Fuck you idealists!” (Tony thought, didn’t speak.)  
“They’ll find out real soon: Steve’s a man and he’s weak.  
  
When they get these pics, I know just what they’ll do!  
First they’ll get all aroused for a moment or two,  
Then the Agents at SHIELD will all cry, boo-hoo!”  
  
“That’s a sight,” thought Tony, “That I’ll really enjoy!”  
He lifted the camera, with intent to destroy.  
  
But a shift of the light, something caught his eye,  
He stared at the bed, and heard Steve’s soft sigh.  
  
And Steve opened his eyes-  
And he smiled in surprise.  
  
Steve Rogers, who had all the ladies in thrall,  
Was smiling for him, no one else there at all.  
  
He hadn’t tricked Steve into bed with his fame,  
So maybe, somehow, had he wanted the same?  
  
Tony, standing awkwardly next to the bed,  
Thought, puzzled: “Is there something wrong with my head?  
  
Steve came without presents. He came without booze!  
He woke up just now and didn’t blow a fuse.”  
  
Tony puzzled and thought, and quietly swore,  
Till he suddenly thought something he hadn’t before.  
  
Maybe Steve, Tony thought, isn’t some one-night whore.  
Maybe Steve, to me, means a little bit more.  
  
And what happened next? The Avengers all say  
That the arc reactor ran three extra cycles that day.  
  
And the meaning of all of his actions came clear,  
So he lay right back down, and pulled Steve quite near.  
  
And now that his feelings weren’t locked up so tight,  
He started to babble in the soft dawn sunlight.  
  
“I like you a lot, I mean I sometimes don’t say.  
When I think something kind, reflex gets in the way.  
  
I wanted to tell you, and it’s not afterglow,  
I just really like you, I want you to know.”  
  
Steve smiled. “Hey Tony?” “Yeah?” “I like you, too.  
I have for a while, I thought that you knew.”  
  
“Oh, well that’s a relief.” Tony managed, and then  
Pulled Steve into a kiss, and then kissed him again.  
  
  
 _Welcome Christmas. Bring your cheer,_  
To all heroes, far and near.  
  
Happiness is in our grasp  
So long as we have hands to clasp.  
  
Love and light will always be  
Just as long as we have we.  
  
Welcome Christmas while we stand  
Heart to heart and hand in hand.  
  
  
 ** _Happy Holidays!_**


End file.
